Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
my whole body is tingling just thinking about the orgasm hes going to give me
she's using motion activated glade air fresheners as some sort of early warning system
So I think his penis grew over the weekend. Is that possible or does absence make the dick grow longer?
I'm not sure...it could be the pasta I ate from her sink, the dominoes, or just the alcohol. Or a wicked combination of all 3.
He went around feeding all the high kids pretzels. He's like their god now
I know and I love you for your valets putting your thong on your seat
We were just at different life stages. He wanted to get married and have kids, I wanted to take MDMA and fuck my roommate.
oh wow I have been there. Hell one time Matt and I woke up naked with pizza rolls in the bed.
Free tacos and bad night are never used in the same sentence
I found out Naomi Campbell and I have the same birthday and I feel like that explains so much
Last night was good. Things got bad when I found a sledge hammer.
its times like this i wish i didnt have a penis
Drunk version of me is like a sleeping demon inside of me that awakes to the sound of vodka
Randomize
