last night was a success...if success means i don't remember the guy's name and my panties are somewhere in the parking lot behind the bar
Whoa! I think of you when I eat cottage cheese.
This concert is like a reunion of all my bad sex.
I'll be heading downtown with donuts and a lawn chair at 9am to go Halloween Walk o' Shame spotting.
If I had a penis, I would stick it EVERYWHERE. I don't know what these guys are doing.
Hi Jessica this is Jessica and I am texting you and were taking lime shots and it's fantastic and I broke your elbow and I love you xo
She made me take my shoes off outside her room but she didn't make me wear a condom. I am confused.
im sure shes a lovely person but i cant be friends with someone that doesnt drink. its just not right.
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
I've made my dad a martini every night since I was 13.. I got this
It's been this way for a few days. I had chick fil a on Friday so this could be an attack from the Gay Gods as punishment.
Just finished two pages in like 20-30 mins bitches SHWAMP DRUNK LIBRARY SHWAMP
I'm not sorry for loving America more than everyone else
Tell me not to drink and get on ladders. I think I need the reminder.. I'm clumsy enough sober.
Threw up on break at work. That brings our collective tally to 9 times. We can never drink like that on a monday again
Randomize
