oh. my. god. the guy i hooked up with last night is currently wearing a dress.
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
twelve hours since my last beer and i just blew a .08, time to go to the library
we had incredible sex, then he proposed with the vibrating cock ring
Thats the last thing I remember and then I woke up in this Dutch kids dorm and he was taking a picture of me while I was sleeping
I just remember thinking, if she falls asleep, I'm totally eating that spilled chex mix right off of her.
we smoked out of your homemade aunt jamima bong
Found my shoes and purse. They're all strapped together in my neighbor's tree. Need to borrow your ladder. Thanks in advance
i have officially banned the recreational use of bayonets.
I caught myself flirting with clients today. Someone needs to take me to pound town before I self destruct. This is a code red. I repeat code red.
You yelled "Everybody!!! Round of applause to Jill for not doing anal!!" Right in front of him.
I want to fling myself into the sun
Tip of the day: Don't Amazon vibrators when your WHOLE FAMILY uses your prime account. There's dildo after dildo showing up in my "Related to Items You've Viewed" category on the home page.
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
Being drunk at Chick-fil-A is a dystopian experience
Randomize
