Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
my sex list reads like a who's who of mcdonald's general managers
Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
She came in to my room half naked at 3am asking me if I had seen the movie balls deep 7
So even though we broke up apparently according to my voice mail you still like me, with smurfs while riding on a boat.
im afraid if i stop breathing i will turn into a porcupine
There's just something about sucking a flaccid dick that makes me feel so calm. Like a baby cow..
I'm single as of 11 minutes ago. I was the chick who drunkenly tried to climb into bed with you 2 weeks ago. Wanna make this happen?
In between when I last wrote and now have screwed a Swiss guy on a hostel bathroom floor. Okay, real life?
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
At one point during xmas dinner my whole family was double fisting. It was like thats how I learned to drink moment
I love our relationship. We just get drunk, show each other our tits, demonstrate sexual positions and make pasta. Then you go to bed and I sit around with your mom and cry about how proud of you we are.
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
.......do you have the salami in bed? I'm trying to make a sandwich.
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