Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
when did we get so old that our friends started having LEGITIMATE children?
he like comes into my room and is like..."can you fix my pants" and then just drops trou
she told me she sucks everyone's dick but mine because mine is too big and "hard to suck" i need to reevaluate the girls i fall in love with.
I've never heard a "this is the reason why i dont suck your cock" explanation go in that direction
so. which one of us is going to pay for the neighbors new window? it cracked when i threw the bottle at it but smashed when you threw yours.
this is going to sound stupid but when I was drunk and thought I was a stripper where I did toss my pants?
sooo my mom just yelled up the stairs " you left your bowl down by the computer"....aaand for a second I forgot cereal bowls still existed
The cop was more concerned with the syringes on the dash board than looking for the source of the smoke. Thank god for diabetes!
And then he tried to clean the throw up off my pants with 409
You have to keep an eye on her tonight cause you know how she likes to pickpocket people when she's drunk.
Remember that mom/daughter stripper team? Well i just met the ex husband/father in AA. WOW!!!! WOW....
Turns out Edward 40 hands and life-sized jenga is really hard...Didn't stop you from trying. How is your concussion?
The number of mornings I actually have to say out loud to myself "you must put pants on and go to work" to get motivated is...troubling.
He literally had a Trump sign in his front yard. I just can't now.
I took a picture of you last night while you were drunk, trying to smoke a bowl through your nose. It's now your contact id.
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