Her sister's ass was worth my getting thrown out of the house.
I told you not to have sex with her on my futon
I didnt dude, i swear!
either that or you were eating mayo, which was the second thing i told you not to do on my futon
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
you cant just puke in an arbys and not order food. thatd be rude.
ughh I puked about 4 times on metro, no one seems to like the cool design I made on my shirt
This old guy just saw me toking on my bubbler before I go to the dentist. He gave me the nod.
You almost set me on fire last night.
You probably deserved it.
And the cockring thing wasn't sexual.
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
Can I use your baby to go shoplifting?
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
You don't know how small your school is until you know everyone in the ER on a Friday night.
I decided to do drugs in front of her because if anyone can handle the truth it's a ghost
Look, I need your help, not your judgment.
i haven't seen you in two years and we have like 16 hours, all i want is cuddles, wine, and some light groping
Randomize
