After they won there was a guy outside Magee Hospital yelling "name your kid Sidney"... that guy may or may not have been me.
dude i dnt kno how, but i think theres a tampon in my butt
She was hit by a car at 47 mph and lived. That explains everything.
i just licked mashed potatoes off my blackberry. i'm not even ashamed to admit that to you.
I just finished washing your number off of my chest. I'm Bryan by the way.
6 margaritas later and free shots of tequila, i woke up with a fat lip and they said i blew my nose in a slice of bread
I was crying hysterically and you wouldn't stop petting my ear and shushing me every time I tried to say something.
I think mom knows I'm drunk I put a full blown balloon in the fridge.
Should i put up a tasteful banner for your party that says last chance to sleep with maya?
He just got dropped off drinking a flask, sitting on the handlebars of a chinese delivery man's bike
Tonight's gonna be epic. Did he bring my noodles?
The gay is strong with you! You're more concerned about my outfit than my safety.
I can't believe she made out with my 15 year old brother. That kid can seriously pull.
I might as well just sew it shut at this point.
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
Every time we have sex, I feel his dick ramming my soul into submission. Problem is..... I LIKE THAT SHIT!
Randomize
