I'm having a terrible night. Can I sleep over?
Too tired to pretend that I care : (
One of my students just wrote an essay on how ninjas, like drug addicts, must realize they need help before they can get better...I gave it an A+
there should be a rule- if you jizz on it, you wash it
You asked the officer if he could bring you to the same jail as T.I.
I didn't black out, the guy in the Men In Black costume erased my memory
I can actually hear my brain cells scream as they die when she speaks.
Good ideas don't start with we have a bottle of vodka..
Just made a coke joke and literally drooled on myself. How do we feel about pavlov's theory of conditioning now?
The sales associate looked at me funny for wobbling in the heels i was trying on until i told her i was trying to see how well i'd be able to drunk walk in these tonight
You're doing that 'overestimating how much I care' thing again.
You almost hooked up with 200lb woman in her mid-forties, because you were convinced she was adele. Your drinking problem is officially out of control.
Dad, is it in any way illegal for me to run around throwing handfuls of lucky charms at people tomorrow?
you're kidding right?
As soon as I got there, you appeared out of no where, yelled "they're giving away free cigarettes!" in my face and then disappeared and I didn't see you the rest of the night.
Well I smoked some weird shit and I think I peed on my phone.
this bedazzled flask is my best investment yet
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