i gave you head in a backbend. if that doesnt say happy birthday i dont know what does.
The vomit I understand but how is there seaweed in my bed?
Being the adderall dealer on campus, I feel responsible for everyone graduating.
Wedding cake is always the best dance partner. In the corner. With a jack and coke. And while I'm crying. Listening to "Almost Paradise".
Found your glasses drenched in ketchup on my driveway this morning
All i hear is "BITCH BETTER HAVE MY HONEY" and i turn around and there is a dude in a bear costume. It was fur real.
You need to stop me from lighting my hand on fire next time we're working
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
He called me piss drunk at 7:30pm while cooking bacon and said he was going to bed. I don't think he's taking it well.
it's not like I want to die, I just want life to stop for a little bit. how does that work?
He was like 120 lbs and 20 of that was penis
I legit just quacked out loud at a duck on campus. Realized after that there were people around me, they looked at me funny...
We can have bacon on the roof while tanning
can jess come too?
sure! but I don't have enough booze for the both of you.
she comes with her own booze, no worries.
I get so pissed when there is something that NEEDS to be made fun of and you're not here.
Randomize
