I just threw up on my dentist
I think im pregnant
I think you have the wrong number
i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
Bad news is he broke up with me via text message
But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville
Well fuck that. I mean, I made out with my cousin once. Who gives a fuck.
I can't wait to go to grad school so I am not your high unemployed friend.
Sometimes familiar penis is best. Its like comfort food for your vagina.
We got back from Mcdonalds and literally 5 minutes of being in your room, you wanted to go back because "We haven't been yet."
I still smell like men's body wash from that drunken shower I took at that stranger's home last night.
As an added realisation of today. If we used the last time I got laid as a conceiving date I would have a two week old baby. It's been too long...
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
I wish you were awake and high the same times I was awake and high. And also in the same state. So we can fuck passionately.
who are you talking about my vagina to?!
I agree with that homeless guy though, you do need a haircut
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