so... i had sex tonight
with a midget
nicccce tits for a little person
I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
Omg. I bid $3000 on a cave in Afghanistan on EBay last night.
The liquor store was handing out free shots of some new expensive vodka, but they caught on the fourth time we came back in different outfits. Politics.
So after this weekend I think I'm gonna go down on one knee and propose to my boyfriend that he give me his liver.
Its fiiine, tuesday is like the thursday of wine wednesday. And i mean, free beer for girls at the grove...im not NOT gonna take that offer up!
Look at your life. Look at your choices.
No if my life depended on you fingering me just let me die
In other news my cocaine dealer got arrested for heaving some kid out of a fourth story window.
Dude I just came exactly at the crescendo of the Catalina wine mixer duet from step brothers.. Advance to next level.
had a dream you helped me fill my shoes with yogurt. we were even like "why didn't we think of this before?!" like it was just so obvious
that sounds like something we'd do... we're onto something here
I just want to nap and funnel a bottle of wine in a cute dress
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
She was cute in her own little way. Shit, free taco's makes anyone hot.
For the love of god, if any of you are up, bring me pants.
Randomize
