are you wasted or are you getting laid?
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wow
'fingered' and 'feelings' NEVER belong in the same sentence.
i now know how you feel when you have to walk me home. she ran into a streetlight and into garbage.
she danced around my room naked waving around the gold trojan magnum condoms singing "i have the golden ticket."
little did she know i was taping her the whole time.
He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid.
HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES
WHERE ARE MY FUCKING EYEBROWS?!
You claimed your dick was a divining rod, spun in a circle 3 times and walked into the bar you stopped in front of...consequently there was a bikini shoot going on
heres the thing, we have 120 cans of beer left in the fridge. until thats finished we cant fit food in the fridge
I accidentally peed all over the couch. It's safe to say I'm not welcome at that house anymore
He's upstairs shouting 'FUCK OFF I'M IN MY MOTHERFUCKING ZEN ZONE' out of the window.
i'm face down in a ditch right now please help this is not a metaphor for my life this is real.
you said you wanted to call me grandma and give me hugs
The last time I saw her someone was carrying her on a bike and she was yelling that she was E.T.
I just loudly threatened to kill a self checkout machine
I'll give you a blowjob in a Santa hat if it will put you in the Christmas spirit
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