having sex with you is like teaching a dog to tango, it DOESN'T work
He looks like Spencer from the game Dreamphone
Is a box of franzia too insincere of a gift for "i'm sorry I backed into your toddler with my car"?
Yessssss I diiiiid! I enjoyed 38% of it. There are 4 qualifications and 2 were good. 1. There is a penis in my vagina (Pass) 2. It's a big penis (Fail) 3. The sex is long and exciting and makes me sweat and have 6 pack abs (fail) 4. I got off (uhhh potential to pass...)
I'd like to thank you fucktards for dumping the WHOLE box of Tricuits in my bed after I passed out.
How do I explain the handcuffs and tanning goggles on our living room floor? There's rope too. The cats love the rope.
And you will no longer be getting a thank you note from my vagina
All I really remember is shouting "THANKS FOR LETTING ME MAKE OUT WITH YOUR GIRLFRIEND."
What can I say? You have this amazing power over straight girls.
I guess she was just worried I'd end up sleeping with you again
It's not too late to disappoint her you know...
Next time, please cut me off before I'm at the point of pooping in the bathtub again
I woke up naked with my work shoes on
I just wanna get drunk and watch Tarzan with you is that to much to ask?!?
Omg my orgasm just made the fucking sun come out. Clearly my libido controls the weather now.
You just kept telling everyone to call you MFT.. Mother Fucking Tornado.
There’s a stripper dressed like a slutty pilgrim. Is that a thing?
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