i just uploaded three hundred pictures and you had your shirt off in two hundred and ninety of them
the remaining ten - you weren't in
my ex just saw me in his brothers bed. fuck yes revenge feels good
you woke up and yelled "the tv is moving" and fell on the floor and passed back out
The google font looked peculiar last night, but then up close I realized it was just dry vomit.
Just had a random flashback of you tickling some guy's nipple with your claw ring, and then him moaning and stripping in the middle of the bar. You give good memories.
Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL.
If you had a dick, I would hope it falls off and comes back to haunt you while fucking your ears at night. But you don't. But if you did, that's how mad I am at you
I just traded a couple nudes for pizza delivery. Call me lazy, easy, or an entrepreneur, but either way I'll have dominoes in 15 minutes.
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
I can say with absolute certainty the only time we ever had a civil conversation was when we agreed we both liked pizza.
Update: pile o Coke party starting at approx 4 - 7 and going until 1ish to celebrate our founding fathers and love of cocaine and hatred of everyone\n
His mom came while we were asleep naked and started asking me about my plans after high school... Is that even a thing.
Who's phone is in my pants and why did I wake up clutching a handle of vlad?
Not only did I sleep with the guy but I think I may have called my work and quit to go work for him.
I just realized that this is the first time I've ever seen your mom without sucking your cock.
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