Just threw up on my desk at work. They are making me go home.
You picked me up and threw me on a barstool and shoved shots in front of me.
Thats like the definition of a good friend
Her thighs are so strong. I thought my head was gonna get crushed when I was eating her out
Just hooked up with the fireman who put out the quesadilla fiasco last tuesday.
Let's go get our ovaries removed together. It'll be like bonding by getting mani/pedis, but with more vicodin and less unwanted pregnancies.
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
Just be happy that you're the pretty friend. Otherwise you would have had to walk home alone, like me.
I've been on this train for an hour and this women has been on the phone and all she's said is "guuurrrrrlllll, gurl, gurl." I may commit suicide.
Hooked up with a guy resembling a bearded Cher. I need the lenses on my beer goggles fixed. Pronto.
We had sex during an intermission, then the second period. The bruins better win. Missing a period isn't worth having sex with him
YOU BETTER NOT BE SHAVING YOUR LEGS RIGHT NOW IM TRYING TO HELP YOU
you told me your favorite colors were "pink" "no pants" and "Mexican food"
I mean, I was going to use them for a beading project, but I guess I could take one and let you bat my dick around like a cat toy.
Only thing I have going for me is jacking off, weed, and saturdays
Legit hope my Trump humping Brother dies of this shit so I can stop pretending to still love him.
Randomize
