and that's why we call him explosion in my pants. no one remembers his real name.
come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
Eric and I got kicked off of karaoke last night. Apparently, singing about masturbation to the tune of "A Whole New World" is not appropriate and definitely frowned upon by the DJ.
Does your gf have any friends she can hook me up with?
Better looking than her though please.
he built a boat made of joints. holyyy shit
Just hit a cone using a lit sparkler. Tastes like I might die but it was magical.
i ate a whole tub of butter with my hands last night. don't tell me about rock bottom
After seeing all of the pics during the trial, all I could think was "her vagina doesn't look THAT dangerous"
That awkward moment when your boyfriend tries to have sex with his go pro on #hdporn
He was pretty bad, I wanted pizza the whole time.
Nothing can teach you regret more efficiently than a wine hangover.
DONT TELL ME I CANT HAVE AN ENTIRE BOTTLE OF VODKA AT DINNER. IM AN ADULT. I PAY BILLS.
I just found (and ate) a chunk of a reese's that fell between my boobs. Problem is that I finished those off 3 days ago in a drunk induced sob session... Has it really been that long since I changed my clothes?!
What happened last night dude?
YOU SHIT ON MY FUCKING COFFE TABLE THATS WHAT FUCKING HAPPENED!!!
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
Randomize
