The stoners next door have their couch on the sidewalk again, shirtless, soaking their feet in a baby pool and listening to loud ukulele music. I want their life.
The Fresno prostitute seemed offended all I wanted from her was directions back to the freeway.
Saturday dinner is funfetti cake and merlot. Singlehood has come to this.
Now that we both have boys can we make up games that objectify them as sex toys?
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
Yeah i was handcuffed to the bed all night but i actually slept like a baby
sooo the guy I beat last night in strip pong is the manager's husband at my new job...
How do I figure out the name of this sleeping naked guy in my bed?
he drove over two hours to fuck me and came in 3 minutes. he got mad when I asked him if it was worth it...
I did what i always do when i miss him; masturbate and watch Bridges of Madison County.
Mom saw my dick pic over my gf's shoulder. She told her she really should've had me circumcised.
I just chased my birth control with Smirnoff. Shit's about to go down.
sometimes i forget what nice tits i have and then i spend a month brushing my teeth naked in the front of the bathroom mirror, and i remember.
reminiscing on last night: why the fuck did I feel the need to stand on chairs everytime we took a jello shot?
Sorry about kicking you last night but you don’t mess with a girls margarita bucket. Ever
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