just checked my call log and realized that we talked for 3 mns. what did i say for that long?
pretty standard. you have fun last night?
apparently....what exactly does 'pretty standard' mean?
typical hot then cold, followed by a death threat.
Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
dude sorry but u no that when a guys 'likes' ur pic on facebook it only means he was just jacking off to it.
you'll never guess what i found when i got home...
a cake, in the toilet
Appropriately today was the first time I've ever GTL'd. I can't believe I made fun of this,it's rather relaxing.
He kept stopping sex to whisper in my ear, and the only thing I could understand was "double stuffed oreos"
my math prof is telling us what to do in a gun fight. i dont want to live in oakland anymore.
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
moms trying to set me up with a 28 year old. hes graduated university like im getting high in my bed and he's an adult
I was walking out the front door and heard his roomate say "It looks like you need a chiropractor." I think my work here is done.
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
I'm really going to need you to stop yelling Campari.
why the hell did we go to a rave last night?
we didn't?
definitely went to a bar with strobe lights
JENNIFER. You passed out in a toilet with a color changing light in it.
I love you more than sex with randoms.... and we all know how much I love that shit.
Randomize
