the best part about tonight...knowing when i wake up in the morning his car will still be full of packing peanuts..and mine wont
It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
so i just realized i am an alcoholic. I was making some tomato soup because im still sick, and put vodka in it. sad huh? lets go out!
i realized boys travel in groups of 3's and girls travel in 4's..thats why it gets so tricky
like hot dogs and buns.
We should start a Help That Bitch Out Fund and split the donations evenly between you two.
He got a slutty, ugly mother of a 7 year old, and I got a dog that only sleeps and shits on clean clothes. No one won in this break up.
It's really sad that I'm trying to calculate in my head the type of place to have dinner that's worth anal
google maps should a have a setting for this. like I AM ABANDONING EVERYTHING TO MEET A GIRL WHO IS 10 HOURS OF MILES AWAY. HOW DO WE DO THIS OPTIMALLY?
I just walked in on my lesbian roommate having sex in the kitchen, and it was awesome. We proceeded to shots naked together. Happy birthday to me.
He fucked me so hard my nail polish actually chipped. I'm keeping him.
Yeah plus that night got so disgusting it's basically a repressed memory anyway
I don't drink nearly as much when I'm coupled, and that's not a lifestyle I can commit to
A legendary roster of degenerates has been assembled.
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
Guess who just set half their backyard on fire.
Please tell me youre joking.
Nope. on the brightside though, im really gonna quit smoking this time.
Randomize