I woke up this morning and "The Wood" was on tv. Touche TBS, touche.
the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
i dont even know how to be here
he bit the head off a dead goose for 5 beers. this is my future boyfriend.
you kept telling everyone how your ninja turtle shell also functioned as a backpack
yeah, that's what i said too. right before i tackled that street sign.
That's not a funny feeling. That's hepatitis. You got it from that bar where everything was sticky.
she broke up with me the week she got divorced. maybe I should grab a beer with her ex
Officially drug you out of White Castle last night by the hood on your sweatshirt after you cussed out the attendant and stole the satisfaction guaranteed sign because they were closed!
And then we felt it necessary to continue drinking for another 4 hours, yikes
I wore pigtails while I was having sex with that 22 year old just to make him feel like a pedophile.
Apparently there's nothing on sonza for "giving a handjob while sunbathing"
I just need to stick to one night stands and delete social media
Worst. Date. Ever. He peeled a layer of bread off his mini burger buns because they had "too many carbs".
Why the fuck is there a goat in the kitchen
Mom wants to know if you're coming over or if it's safe for her to take her bra off...
Randomize
