woke up in a garbage bag. literally. it was used as a sleeping bag.
You should have been there to see the look on her face when I told her that my dog gives better head than her. It was a beautiful symphony of shock, anger, and disbelief.
Say it nicely.
Fine. I want to lovingly bend you over and lovingly fuck the shit out of you. Happy?
I just realized I have my pepper spray, gun, and vibrator all in one drawer. One false grab and I'm screwed either way.
at one point i was feeding a guy sour cream chips and he made me make the "choo choo" noise as they were going in. \ni feel so much closer to him now.\n
the lady next to me just sniffed my hair, smiled, and then fell asleep. I almost started crying from that kind of creepiness
don't cry, we can learn from her
He started going down on me while we were watching Land Before Time.
Incredible.
I've never seen an uncircumcised dick in real life and the internet indicates I don't want to.
I'm in a dress, surrounded by Republicans, and the bartender just told me he's "out of Jack Daniels" in a very accusatory tone. Shit, is it only 8 PM?
I won't let penises inside me if you won't let tequila inside you, deal?
I didn't know how wild the party was going to be until one girl brought her pet raccoon
O was like, nah, fuck 50-50. My version of bi is that i'm 80% gay, 20% drug-addled decisions. Apparently he's straight on hallucinogens.
I need ecstasy. And, before you ask, the answer is yes right now
I just wiped cum off my face with baby wipes... #momlife
im mourning your vaginas lack of frictional upkeep
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