Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
I kinda look like a classier blonde kenny powers.
smell my finger.
For the amount I put out, I should be going on way more dates.
It sucks..Now I'm depressed because appearence wise, she's the closest to my favorite pornstar I'll ever get..
he started drinking at 9am with grey goose and pancakes. He IS my hero.
This is the weirdest negotiation ever.
This is what happens when two people with zero shame try to argue.
My only regret is that we didn't pee on our neighbors Prius
Did you blow the guy you weren't supposed to hook up with again in the bathroom of pita pit? Cause that happened last night...
yeah but think of how much more hungover we'd be if we didn't steal those cookies
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
People have been asking me if I'm going to the reunion lately. It occurs to me that everyone wants me there to feel that much better about themselves.
if i seriously got my dick up last night, then im taking him to disney world cause thats just fuckin impressive
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
I'm hungry and horny. DEADLY COMBINATION.
Randomize
