im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
and then the other night his penis tricked us both into sex
I woke up with a solved rubics cube in my purse
If your wondering where your blanket is, I put it on the 2 guys you brought home last night. Their still sleeping outside on the trampoline.
Your penis has nothing to do with my throat infection, sorry...
Tonights drinking will be celebratory and victorious. Picture the end of The Mighty Ducks set to beer.
i looked down and was like "oh shit thats blood" then it was like "shit, thats not my blood." then it was like whos blood is this??
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
You made a course evaluation for your vagina? Wow. You really are a professor now.
God fucking bless the man who invented the vibrator. Bless him and all his descendants. I think I saw the face of God tonight
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
woke up in the back seat of my car with a naked chick and my brother tapping on the window. yup, what a night
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
He has great stamina, he knows how to use his tongue, and he's hung like a goddamn Pegasus. I can overlook the man bun.
i only got to wear my halloween costume for an half hour before it got taken off.
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