The stories of what you did in Cuba got home before you.
somehow a sneeze triggered me puking over everyone in the car
We're about to go to a party titled 'Night of 1000 Jello Shots".
She texted me shhh....im drunk, secret booty call...how could i say no?
It's his sex noise. "I'm gonna cu-THE LORD IS MY SHEPARD AND I SHALL NOT WANT"
He fingered me and now wants me to go get plan b because of it. WE'RE IN COLLEGE.
Ack! That is the first dick pic I've ever received. A) congrats B) that is way grosser than I ever thought t would be.
Also, I'm going to yoga because I have a Taylor Swift range of emotions right now.
We're just Facebook friends. Use guy logic. I tapped your wife in high school, 20 years and 60 lbs ago, when she was hot and experimental. Why would I mess with that now? It would ruin the vivid memories of her that I keep in my spank bank.
I will find you...
So I woke up with a terribly bandaged finger an then discovered a pot of bloody onions on the stove.....who the fuck decided it was a good idea for me to try and cook
I can't wait to get home and brush the fuck outta my teeth.
Literally.
I'm drunk doing an ab workout. I can only hope I make it to bed tonight.
Well, my mom found the ball gag and whip. Looks like I'm never going home again.
Currently using my kid's computer to charge my vibrator. #thisis30ish
Should I be concerned that he called me mom when I got in bed on top of him?
Randomize
