so its thursday, which means its time to resume communication with you
At the bar. Madeline and I totally brought our own pitcher from home because they always run out. Hello alcoholism.
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
and I'm sitting five inches from the tv scrunched up in a ball watching doug. It's like I'm five again...except I'm more stoned than the dude who created this show
I wish your snatch was here
If my snatch could sprout wings I'd fly to you
the mexican frat downstairs started singing this mariachi song, then out of nowhere some dude busts out a trumpet and plays along. is this even real?
Captain Morgan didnt let me down when i stand up it feels like the world is trying to hand me rainbows.
Pretty sure my idea of standards went out the window when I hooked up with a guy who had a rooster tattoo with an arrow pointing down to his no no bits. Think about it.
You guys wanna start around 10:30 tomorrow?
We can start at 5am for all I care. You ask like I have plans.
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
So do you remember the bartender that caught me when I fell off the bar 4 weeks ago? He hasn't been to work since...Woops.
Right now I'm drinking out of a gallon water jug & eating a baconator. If you're feeling down, just remember you could be me.
well I've taken an Uber to my weed dealers twice in the past 2 weeks so it's going well since I sold my car
There is a time and place for BDSM, in-between disney sing-alongs is not one of them.
Lunch date was a success. And you'll be proud- my legs stayed closed.
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