no more hot dogs for you........
fine no more vajj for you
Hurry up. We're trading phones to prevent drunk texting.
I had a terrible day! The only thing that makes me feel better is knowing Jack Bauers day was worse.
No, I am not setting up my roomba to clean up puke.
please bring me a paper towel asap.
I was drinking wine in bed and spilt some on my chest.. And I cautiously guided it into my belly button but now I dont know what to do.
I was trying to be an adult about it and simply deal with the situation, but a bowl seemed much more comforting.
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
Hey do you have any hot friends that would settle for less?
I'm getting offered Candy Crush lives in return for sex. Like wtf.
Hey, sorry for threatening to teabag your mom to death last night
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
I'm at forever 21 and someone pooped in the dressing room.
conclusion: canadians have really freaky sex
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
Didn't think I'd be dancing with the Power Rangers but here I am
Randomize
