Old men and throwing up are my life now.
Apparently she held up my head the entire 40 minutes, convincing the cab driver that I was okay
So, do you know where my left shoe is? I mean, we were at a few places last night, and I called them. No luck for me.
He was drinking hot tub water because i refused to get him a glass of water...
He slow fucked me. Doggy style. On a porch. You never slow fuck doggy style. Its a law. A LAW.
I think I died last night. I had 14 beers..well 13 1/2 if you count the one that got spilled on the baby in the elevator.
The cop asked you if you had been drinking and you said you drank milk out of a cow.
I rememeber. I showed him the picture on my phone of me drinking out of the utter, right?
Tell your friends I said hi and that if they touch your penis I'll cut off their hands.
I'm 25 and I shit my bed last night. And I'm telling you about it. Not sure which is worse
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
This is even better than the wine from my laundry basket
His exact words: "I don't have anything you can't treat with antibiotics."
Forget about letting a 70-year-old man suck on my tits for coke... telling my new boyfriend about it was the poor life choice.
just caught myself putting beer in the oven and pizza in the fridge. i should be a trainwreck by tonight.
They got skeletons in the booths to enforce social distancing.
Thought they were weekend at berniesing that shit at first.
Randomize
