wanna go halves on a baby?
I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
So apparently last night I was running around columbus circle station screaming that Obama was a pussy and that "waterboarding should always be an option" lol
they said they heard you say put it in my butt
i do some of my deepest thinking on my wednesday morning walks of shame
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
I had to take the fire extinguisher from him. He was just sitting on the floor petting it.
you cant ever make fun of my bong's stick on moustache again. its the reason the cop let me keep it and my weed.
So update from last night: I made friends with a coke dealer, I tore the card scanner off the wall of my dorm, and I passed out on our bathroom counter with my head in the sink.
I dont care how drunk you were. Making a bet with MY husband at MY wedding that you could seal the deal before he could is ALWAYS inappropriate!
i've been hiding in the laundry chute for like thirty minutes from her. not my manliest moment. but dude this is awesome
Would it be creepy if I masturbated with my face in the pillow he slept on last night? Cuz I'm pretty sure that's about to happen
Wake up. Smoke. Masturbate while eggos cook. Go back to bed. Smoke. Body spray shower. Beer with breakfast. Class. Morning of a champion.
Let's be real, he was never going to be tall enough
At some point you said you just wanted to get laid, so we had a moment of silence for your dead sex life...
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