Bike broken, reschedule party till thursday:(
only if we run a train.
done.
i wonder what barack obama's brickbreaker high score is...
I can totally hide my daquiri in my sling.
she sounds like chewbacca in bed
Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
Well ya in hindsight obviously offering the cop a jello shot was a bad idea
To say the least, now you know you're a proper lady, passing a field sobriety test in heels...
somebody put my brain in a crown royal bag and beat the shit out of it
I still have his teeth marks on the base of my penis. You didnt miss much
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
I swear if you help me with this I will eat you out and buy you all the Taco Bell you want.
I sprayed his whole room with my perfume and left lots of my hair on the bed. So now if he does bring her home, the bitch will know this territory is marked.
I thought this boy told me to choke him, so I went all in. Turns out he really said “stroke.”
Okay, let's just all take a step back and think about how funny this will seem in like a year... Maybe 2 if his nose is actually broken.
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