and everytime i fart i feel like in your heart, you can hear it
I wish we were homeless so drinking on the streets was acceptable.
Judging by her face, I'd say she's at least dabbled with meth...
Just crossed the line from casual pregrame to public intoxication. Shotgunning in a bus shelter.
I'm starting to second guess shaving my vagina over the kitchen sink. The lighting is so much better though.
i ran into my coworkers when i was walking home last night. i was shirtless. i think i gave my shirt to Walter. he's a cat.
im still drunk. birthday week begins.
I finally fell asleep and like an hour later he wakes me up and says "I've always to be woken up w a blowjob." Um, that's not how it works asshole.
im so hung over everytime my dog barks the sound vibration makes my whole body hurt
I sewed up my pants, stole his girlfriends white shirt, and went to work hungover like a responsible adult.
Well, during the ride home I had to personally apologize to both of her breasts.
A particularly funny moment you may have missed; you walked in to the basement to announce that whoever was cooking sausages had left them on the grill for Hella long, only to be told that you were in fact the person grilling. At which point you just said, "the sausages are done" and walked out
I think he's holding my wallet hostage because I puked in his car. It's not my fault he has child locks on his windows..
I'll bring your "congrats on finally banging" cookies tomorrow, I'm exhausted.
She couldn't find her toothbrush so I had to wait while she sucked on the 12 peppermints she found under the couch. Pretty resourceful for her level of intoxication.
Im riding the bus with beer in one hand and chapagne in the other. I love weddings.
Randomize
