I was hooking up with him in my car, he wouldn't stop with my nipples, I had to literally beat him off of me. He kept groaning too while he was doing it. Sick.
Mommy issues
Stop. You don't mean that. Tequila might mean that. But you don't mean that.
i just realized the only form of arm exercise i get is holding my arms up in the stand up tanning booth
He gave me the "I've pictured you while jerkin off" look
She's in Spain. I'm in Holland. World Cup Final is Sunday.
Dude, it's like the Romeo and Juliet of FIFA.
He said he wanted to see my room, not my womb. It's a common mistake.
Just caused a nice traffic jam while trying to park at Costco. Too high to drive.
My first drink last night was a 2-liter of jameson and coke. So hung over it hurt to put my pants back on
Thank you for making it possible for me to get laid while having peace of mind my dog is well taken care of.
You just kept screaming "PLEASE YELL CORNDOG AT HIM. PLEASE. CORNDOG."
dad is drunk and texting us pictures of bread
I just did the math technically I'll be drunk until 2:30-3:00pm
Do not buy a prego test at the Walgreens you frequent. It's awkward. Just trust me.
Drunk text the hot guy two doors down confessing my love for him.... He gave me a thank you card today.
Quick question: now that you've broken up, should I also delete the nudes your boyfriend sent me while you were together??
Randomize
