kindergarten is hard when you're hung over.
burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
You tipped the bathroom lady $20 and then yelled "IT'S YOUR LUCKY DAAAAAAAY" at her.
I was crying hysterically and you wouldn't stop petting my ear and shushing me every time I tried to say something.
Not sure if you carved a butthole or vagina in that pumpkin but that didn't stop high Phil from mounting. My study group is horrified.
I would rather deep fry my own cock while it's still attached to me than have his life.
I projectile vomited in his sisters room where the toiled would have been if it were the bathroom.
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
I woke up on a navy base in a different time zone. I'm never leaving tallahassee again.
all i've had to eat today is leftover bday cake and a shot of tequila.
welcome to college.
I need to pull it together. I just cried my eyes out to Master Chef Junior.
Condoms and Ice Cream, that's all we need.
I managed all three standard threesome configurations a female-bodied person can achieve in just under nine years. I want to high-five everyone involved, but I've lost touch with a couple of them
I think the moment she woke up butt naked on a mattress with her phone still on her face was the point she knew last night was fucked up
I just realized now that I slept with him while he was still wearing the maid costume... I've reached a new level of sexual freakness.
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