If I ever start a band I'm gonna name it "Nancy Reagan's Vagina"
He just washed his hands with scrubbing bubbles yelling "They work hard so I don't have to!"
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
I don't know how many crown and cokes he went through but I know it was more that I have fingers. We are never leaving Texas.
Woke up this morning to my mom on the phone with my dad saying, "It's probably just your prostate." Reasons to move out. Go.
He just told me he's been drinking vodka at work all day. I'm starting to believe in soul mates.
I was so drunk, I was kissing everyone. Their sexual preference was none of my concern.
You threw up? Were you ladylike while you did it? I'm wagering that you were. Like a Disney princess. Like a "Puke Me Pretty" Barbie.
Absolutely. I could drink and smoke that memory away in a matter of years at my current rate.
How much morphine is too much? Keep in mind that I'm going to my graduation dinner with my parents.
It's like you know you got fucjed up when you wake up and check fir your own pulse
Maybe she'll change her mind but the "go fuck yourself" doesn't seem promising
The highlight was when a stranger was nose to nose with you threatening to kick ur ass, and you said "Is that your real face? Stopped him dead.
Sometimes I wish I lived alone because there would be no one to judge me if I wanted to have whiskey and popcorn for breakfast.
When I go to hand him the blunt and he's eating a cookie and responds with "let me hit this cookie"
Randomize
