There is an asian family here, I heard the mom call her son onyong
duuuude. vodka popsicles DO NOT function.
we were on a sandy mattress. i was wearing a sweatshirt with a poodle on it and eating a whopper jr. i wouldn't have fucked me either.
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
Apparently I grabbed her ponytail and cut it with an exacto knife.
all of the sudden, the other guy at the bar who was celebrating his birthday got a super inspired look on his face and then screamed at me ''our parents fucked on the same day!''
he told me to hold it and try to write my name in the snow and it seemed like a bonding moment because neither one of us had ever done that before. i didn't anticipate it vibrating and weirding me out therefore making me let go and get my hand peed on.
She said she'd heard about my nickname in high school. Apparently sledgehammer isn't as popular as you'd believe...
Exactly. This is the bit where I learn a heartwarming lesson about not making my drinks half vodka
So hungover. Have a black eye from where I tried to brush my teeth and stabbed myself in the eye instead. Should make the performance review I was stress drinking about go so much better.
Don't shower too much, need the shame to be fresh to get the best story
AND I HAVE A NICE COCK! A STRIPPER TOLD ME SO IT MUST BE TRUE!
Terrible idea I love it
hooked up with him and then had a conversation with his ex about how we hate people who hook up with our exs...
I guess she found the pillow case full of vomit I hid last night: "Oh my God. Oh my God. In my fucking FRIDGE?! Really? Hope your dick falls off there's puke all over my food. Fucking die."
Randomize
