A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
he promised me brunch in the morning so i felt like it was ok....i really need to get a job.
Being back home for the summer opens up so many opportunities to have sex without increasing my number
It's like God was speaking to me through a penis.
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
Theres a handprint of sauce on my frig, one streaked across my face, a trail of it to my bedroom and sauce all in my bed and i have no idea what the fuck i ate.
You leave me no choice. Your vagina is grounded. It can just sit there and think about what it's done.
Let me stew on this while im plucking my nipple hairs and showering.
At orientation, some girl is asking, loudly, where she can get weed. Everyone looks discussed but are paying very close attention to people's answers.
I am still sore from last night. I can't wait for you to meet my parents.
they wouldnt let me drive the convertible because i was in a bird suit :(
I woke up in my living room, on the floor, wearing nothing but a fur coat?
at least I have the sex noises of his roommate to entertain me while I wait for him to wake up
meanwhile at my house I found 2 bud heavys in the back of my book shelf crammed between a Franklin book and goodnight moon
Apparently the cops had to handcuff me in order to get me to come with to the hospital with them. They asked me if I had had any experience with handcuffs before and I replied, "Only in bed." What a life
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