I'm in a room alone pouting because I got the wrong nachos at taco bell.
The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
Say something about gay babies.
Why does Corona taste like a burp?
You just handed me your ATM card and wrote your PIN number on a dollar bill and said "for bail money."
Piecing together the sordid story from witness accounts and photographic evidence, courtesy of Fcebook. My night included Mojitos, lighting the bar on fire and declaring myself the Queen of Nerds when I stole someone's flashing tiara. Woke up this morning with a velvet cape and plastic scepter to match. Mojitos are awesome!
I bruised my dick hopping over that fence last night
I'm told I threw my cigarettes at the TV one by one Shouting about the cast of Community.
I just woke up ass naked on top of all my sheets, with no blinds in my room because i used them as togas, my back is killing me, im covered in sharpie, i have no memory of last night, and im pretty sure im still drunk. I consider the night a success
okay yeah but you've seen me eat jambalaya naked
I told him to send me a dick snap for my birthday. To personalize it, he drew a candle coming out of the tip of it so I could blow it out.
Like you can't just be like oh bb and THEN SEND ME A FUCKING PICTURE OF MY 8TH GRADE FAT SELF IN A TACO COSTUME
Like do I send him a nude to ease his mind off his brother having a stroke? I'm not very good with words when it comes to consoling... I would be a terrible mother.
I asked for a cup of water. They gave me tequila. They WANT ME TO DIE
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
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