I regularly think about how cool your nickname is
haha i took a picture of myself naked on her camera
She didnt have a camera...
Only a mothe r could love this liver
Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
New swimming pool is best sex toy ever. We are pioneering the doggie-style paddle.
I can't see straight with both eyes and ive only been at the bar for an hour. Someone else typed this for me.
Sober me does NOT approve of what went on in my pants last night.
It's almost like he dry humped the last remaining bit of good person out of me.
You pulled down your pants, pissed in the recliner, and wiped yourself with my utility bill. I thought it was in the worlds best interest to put you to bed.
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
Nothing says "welcome to Denver" like a hot 18 year old giving you directions to the dispensary and ending up blowing you in the backseat
Just jerked off with bubble wrap. Not as awesome as it sounds.
Nothing quite like walking through a spider web on your way back in from smoking to fuck up a perfectly good high.
I feel like I was playing penis roulette last night nd I landed on the wrong one.
Just as an add on, don't expect me to wear matching bra and underwear. If I do, I'm probably drunk and it's your fucking birthday. Have a great night.
Randomize
