guess who just trotted in eating her oats and wagging her penis
I'm pretty sure she sent a group text out saying that I was the one to get with her last night and sorry to everyone who didnt make it.
Honestly it was an honor just to be nominated.
the vast amounts of cleavage i'm sporting to my final says "no, I didn't study but don't worry I've got something lined up for when I don't graduate".
We don't need a hotel, we'll just sleep in the post office.
Only you would think wine and coffee was an acceptable finals study time mix
We woke up in the room with a hamburger patty on the bed side table, one bun across the room, and the other bun under my pillow. Still don't know who ordered room service.
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
Oh yeah. I pretty much fucked the universes brains out lastnight. It was glorious.
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
I just lifted up my shirt to scratch my stomach n a Dorito flew out of my pullover n it legit scared me when it hit me.
My dad lost his bandaid somewhere in the turkey. It was a mixture of thanksgiving and an Easter egg hunt
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
Oh god he’s a clown I fucked a rodeo clown
Sorry I had sex in your backseat while everyone was in the car
It's quite alright. I found his shorts in my backseat, not sure what he was wearing when we dropped him off
Can’t. Tonight’s a netflix and dick night
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