You drink too much
No, I drink just the right amount - too often.
i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
So random guy from last night came over tonight. I told myself I wasn't going to sleep with him but he had some killer dirty talk and a big penis in his arsenal...what was I supposed to do? Supposedly he lost his virginity to his wife and since their divorce a year ago I'm the 1st girl he's slept with, I feel like I just re-took his virginity...I feel like a rockstar.
She def said "you had your chance!" after telling me she had a boyfriend. Like a pile of dogshit lecturing me on how I missed out on having itself stuck to the bottom of my shoe.
I knew my chances of getting laid had increased after she walked into my room and yelled "DICK TIME"
So can we talk about how we all three made out with the bike taxi driver in lieu of paying him. I'm not even mad, that's resourceful. You know what married girls would have had to do? They'd have had to pay.
Don't upload the drink o meter to your google calendar. Somehow binge drinking looks even worse with a time stamp.
By the way, I got bored last night and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
So I bring Danny back to the apartment for the first time and my roommate is curled up in the beanbag in the middle of the floor, wearing nothing but her uggs, high out of her mind and watching Harry potter... She offered us kettle corn.
He asked if he could come over tomorrow....
Does the room smell any better?
Yeah, i sprayed perfume. It smells like Victoria's Secret, if Victoria's secret was that she was homeless.
I deflowered you on valentines day. I AM THE BEST AT ROMANCE. LOVE ME.
I was just thinking about our drunk conversation about having sex with elephants the other night. Love you bud. Stay strong.
He interrupted me giving him head to ask if I were hungry, because he wanted to eat pizza. Wtf.
I'm ready to run through the streets naked yelling "HES ALIVE!"
The list of people who didn't throw up last night is insanely smaller than the list of people who did
So it was a successful night I take it?
Randomize
