I'm calling you out on twitter if you don't come over right now.
You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
One little Beyonce reference and he turns on me faster than liberals on Jon Mackey
come home now. i got a twizzler tangled in my hair again
It's hard to be above the influence when you are the influence.
And just when I was about to fall asleep, he hit me in the face, and claimed he's a "violent sleeper".
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
I think a 5 ft pyramid of jello shots in honor of the egyptians is in order
Hah, I lost the lenses in my glasses, didn't event notice til this morning... How was the meeting?
they wouldn't let me take the pitcher of beer on the ferris wheel
You were crying because you hate wine coolers but you really wanted to prove you could finish it
If I can't get slightly excited by the thought of his face between my legs then I know I can never sleep with him.
Tell me when you get here. I'm drinking beer in the bushes next to your house, and I put my hoodie up because I was cold. Pretty sure everyone lowkey thinks i'm homeless.
I wanna send them a card but I don't think hallmark makes a "sorry your fiance and another girl blew me at the same time in a frat house but congrats!" card
Should I have spent my entire pay check on Crown Royal and LSD? No. Do I regret it? Also, no.
Randomize
