i just realized how high i was when i was screaming red light challenge at the top of my lungs and am watching it alone
Condoms? Check. Glitter? Check. Fuck me pumps? Double check. Dignity? No where to be found. I'm about to homewreck the shit out of that dumb bitch.
I've been meaning to talk to you about your lack of self-respect these days and the toll it's taking on your vagina.
dibs on John Mayer's hood pass
I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
Honestly bro, I can't look at girls you've banged. Its like looking herpes in the face.
I'm pretty sure I just need an IV drip of Plan B at this point...
She said she was hoping I'd be hotter. I told her I didn't see anybody standing in line to titty fuck her either. She was a great kisser.
She was dressed as a banana and told me that I needed more potassium in my diet. Of course I went down on her.
god dammit I AM NO LONGER PUTTING UP WITH YOUR HETEROSEXUALITY I QUIT
Snow days are when you really appreciate that your neighbor is on your bang roster.
I was in a bad mood so I guilted her into giving me $100 on a weekly basis and now I feel bad but I don't know how to tell her I hustled her
I like being woken up by phone calls of you sabotaging marriages
congratulations on joining the accidental bisexual club
I went to my AA meeting last night. My drug dealer is now my counselor.
I definitely almost just pulled a condom out of my purse instead of money for my dad.
Randomize
