I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
apparently vodka and oj turns green when you throw it up
basic color theory
I got "discovered a new religion high" last night
If it's not soft enough to fuck on, then we're not getting the new rug.
Noooo. We thought it would be funny for him to wake up buried in the sand. But we just remembered about the whole high tide thing and it's dark and it's pretty damn hard to find an unconscious head sticking out of the sand. Just help us out
Come over. I've made 2 dinners and so many cocktails. I'm a 50's housewife with no family.
My head feels like Jesus is projectile vomiting hammers on it
I just spilled my beer on a five year old. She's crying but I can promise you I'm more upset.
I had to ask him for a dick pic. Do you know how refreshing that was?
I just sat watching friends in the bathtub by candlelight...nights like this make me wonder if I ever want to be in a relationship again
I'm shopping for Mother's Day cards while waiting for my herpes medication. What is life.
I'm just imagining Oprah like "you're popping a boner, and you're popping a boner...EVERYONE IS POPPING A BONER"
DUDE NEVER CALL THE COPS BACK
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
can you tell me why i woke up in a diaper and combat boots?
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