How many pudding cups do I have to eat for it to count as dinner?
4.
and this is why I hate my dad. He got 25x more angry with me when I wanted to drive a different route then he suggested to get to his house (more scenic- thus more enjoyable) then he did when I told him I was driving drunk with 4 people in the car and I got my 5th speeding ticket last night.
yours is so small it looks like an acorn!!
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
One of my students in my 8am class brought me a Tim Hortons cup with a bloody Mary in it. Clearly, I didn't manage to look not drunk when I ran into him at Denny's at 4am. Who decided to let me teach?
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
Boats looked like robot pelicans and time was slow and now im on wipe out
I'm going to pound you from behind over a table at the bar while I pull your hair and call you a whore...please pass along that message to Rob
I'm not sure if I should be proud of you for having morals or disappointed in you for letting your sex life get this sad.
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
And that's why we do second round interviews for possible roommates.
I hope you get your threesome on vday. I'll probably get flowers and a candlelit dinner. trade you. I wish this guy was more of a slut and had less of a heart. I would like 2 dicks please fuck your flowers!
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
I'm really going to need you to stop yelling Campari.
last night you made out with a 19 year old on a bar and i woke up with a swede in my bed. lets just say that never happened.
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