Im drinking a beer thats called vuuve which is boobs in begian. I think my life is complete.
just cut a line with my blood donor card...i feel like it will help remind me that i was once a productive member of society.
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
once you have herpes you dont really care what goes in your mouth anymore.
When you accidentally type "I want Prince William to fuck me in the ass" to your mom there's really no way to take that back.
Apparently I blacked out and pissed all over the sliding glass door from the inside, as everyone watched from the outside helplessly....
Hey, who is this? Sorry, you're in my phone as "you better remember".
If you're not on crutches for breakfast, I'll feel like I've failed you.
I can't believe she made out with my 15 year old brother. That kid can seriously pull.
SO HELP ME GOD THERE IS A SPIDER IN THIS PIZZA. IT IS VERY SMALL IT IS INSIDE THE CRUST AND IT IS ALIVE. I'M SO HUNGRY DO I KEEP EATING
His status said "sad." of course I liked it. I don't even care that I was the only one. Facebook isn't your god damn journal, we don't care about your problems.
Started my day with puking in a trash can.... Its gonna be a beautiful day
I think we ended 5-7 relationships as well this weekend...so another good stat
Man I gotta stop stashing shit when I'm high. I just spent 2 hours searching for my bag of pot and eventually found it in fucking a bandaid box.
We won like $80 last night at the casino, so if we get the Plan B we still have enough to get your basic bitch latte from Dunkin. Calm down.
Randomize
