I take no responsibility of who alcohol hooks up with using my body!
he just kept going up to random asian girls and yelling at them for breaking up the beatles
i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
i just farted in the library and heard some girl yell it was sulfur gas. can. not. move.
If we were to wake in ur bed together, what are the 3 words you would say to me?
Get out now.
She hadn't heard about the oil spill. She gave dumb blondes a whole new standard to aim for. I did her anyway...but that isn't the point.
fyi, she knows we call her the sperm bank. watch your back.
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
In order to see him, he made me facetime with his penis, which he had drawn a smile face on. Getting laid shouldn't be this difficult.
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
I reek of vagina.. My cab driver commented.
Hey, sorry for threatening to teabag your mom to death last night
I just gargled with NyQuil
Does it count as a threesome if your friend drunkenly has sex on top of you while you're passed out?
Dear god my vagina.
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