is it a bad sign that i now think of my run-ins with cops as "skill building seminars"?
um, yeah. i think it is.
First day at work... I clogged up the office toilet on purpose to assert my dominance.
mom and dad are asleep. time to fish my half-full bottle of wine out from under my bed and give this christmas visit a pick-me-up.
"half-full" seems a little optimistic for the turn your night is taking.
Another Sunday, another 100 chicken nuggets
He told me he loved me and then asked if we could have sex in the snow
You woke me up at 2 am to tell me I could pee in a golf club if I wanted to.
Watching the dude who probably knocked me up be all cute with his girlfriend on my couch. I am too nice, and I hate today.
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
My garbage can has nothing in it besides condoms and candy wrappers. That's good garbage.
Hurry there's four guys dressed up as a bachelorette party, one has a condom veil and the rest are selling candy bouquets and asking if anyone wants to get laid for $5
The worst thing about him living around the corner is that who ever suggests the booty call is the one that walks over.
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
So what's the moral standing on reading gay porn on your phone whilst sitting next to your 87 year old Grandma?
all I've ever wanted was a guy with twelve cats who will tie me up in bed
STAY IN YOUR APARTMENT. DONT GO TO SAFEWAY TO BUY CONDOMS. DONT GO TO THE VAN.
Randomize