Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
did you ever find your cell phone? and your dignity?
You were so drunk you tried to sell your salsa to everyone on the restaurant.
Holy shit. This 2 year old just told me her nipples were for her boyfriend. Hello future leaders of america
You mailed him a break up letter, because you thought the "joy of receiving a letter" would ease the pain of you dumping him.
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
We were just at different life stages. He wanted to get married and have kids, I wanted to take MDMA and fuck my roommate.
They have 12 kegs and 40 bottles of liquor and a pool with a diving board. And hardly anyone at this wedding knows me. Should be a great night
So neither of us had a dollar bill and we couldnt find a straw so we spent all nite doing coke through penne pasta
And the next morning he asked me why I had clothes on so I said so that he could take them off again.
Your friends are scaring the cats so I'm going to smoke weed with them to call them down.
Just went to court for a citation. Guess who my DA was? That girl I ATM'd last weekend. No ticket for me!
I mostly blame me being such a miserable fuck on the fact that I was born on a Monday.
Do you ever just feel the storm building inside of you that tells you you're ready for a giant indiscriminate fuckfest?
We go out and drink, fuck, and I stay the night. He agrees to it because he knows I'll hook him up to IV fluids in the morning. Everyone wins
Randomize