i'm at a stripclub and this bitch just lit her nipples on fire!
I twisted my ankle last night doing a super high five with 3 inch heels on.
...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
He just stood there...Helen Keller and I could have had a more interesting conversation
That shot tasted like Sant Claus came in my mouth. I love the holidays.
I'm not sober enough to be having a conversation about a rap she wrote in Spanish about public safety
ever have one of those nights where you feel like you should leave the house with your insurance card? that is tonight, my friend.
That's like being smoked out by a unicorn. If the opportunity presents itself you fucking do it and don't ask questions.
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
He's getting Easter eggs filled with weed or Jell-O shots for his birthday
I straight up told your dad I've slept with a majority of your family
Thanks for fingering me to orgasm during Wu-Tang Clan
His roommates are gone so we had sex in every room of the house and watched the wire. What have you done today?
Just a couple of adults talking about cum shots at 8am on presidents day
Why the fuck is there raw bacon in my bra. I don't even have a stove.
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