i just shoved 27 marshmallows in my mouth
well thats a nice change of pace from what you normally put in your mouth
why cant girls ever use the fly? why do they always have to awkwardly try to pull it over your belt?
They found an open window, climbed through and proceeded to arrest half the party. These campus cops are like fucking ninjas.
You paid the taxi driver with a comb last night.
I'm handcuffed to the toilet. Don't ask
dude, i turned on the light and asked if they were ok and they STILL didn't stop. Most determined sex EVER.
Just had a tranny complement my outfit. Looks like I'll have to change before we go out.
Drinking loves me for WHO I am
Dude. Going to the Theme park the day after the 4th of July was the worst idea I've ever had.
Drinking hard cider in a room full of freshman girls. Never felt so secure of my manhood
I probably wouldn't
You turn 21 at midnight!
This is better than being born!!
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras
Why does my nose taste spicy?
How do you know what your nose tastes like?
Pretty sure I scared her away last night by putting a vodka tampon in my ass
WHY THE FUCK DOES RICKY'S BROTHER GET AN ENTIRE POT OF PASTA FOR BEING SHIRTLESS AND ALL I GET IS ARRESTED?!
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