The chick I went home with last night had a happy trail
LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
You stuck your head out the window to puke and got hit with a mailbox.
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
I made him tell me how he proposed to his wife before I'd bang him. I have a problem.
I spiked my fruit smoothie. Taking bikini season diet to a whole new level
This is absurd. I need a man. Or even a moderately-clean hobo will do at this point.
He came to my house drunk at two a.m., got in the hot tub, refused to get out until he smoked a blunt, and said "That's what brothers and sisters are for."
Just woke up from a weed coma and found a stem in my bra. Rainy day success.
We had sex twice and at Wendy's how dare you diminish that.
Just keep in mind that she didn't start telling you you had the largest penis she had ever seen until AFTER she found out about your multi-million-dollar trust fund.
i got pulled over completely sober but looking like death. dick cop made me do a field sobriety test. he also said "no sober person could have 7 BK bags"
You ran outside of the party to do the rain dance and swim in puddles
A guy just threw up in my lecture of 500 ppl and just got up and walked away
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
Randomize
