im ready to get crazy and take my wig off
can "i'm close!" be our safe word(s)?
oh geez, wrong person.
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
I am planning my day around naps and lesbians.
I'm pretty sure we got the cab driver deported
u kept pointing at random guys and making quacking or mooing sounds.
woke up to see a man wearing a sailor hat and covered in vomit sneaking out the door. Epic night indeed.
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
He jizzed all over my ID badge. HR is gonna be pissed...
I wish my nipples were as well behaved as yours.
When you can't finish your jumbo margarita and figure pouring it into a to go box will suffice... Midnight snack?
I never thought my gollum impression would lead to me getting laid.
Huzzah!
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
And then he tried to convince me that he could wear a condom instead of pants to go out.
Just because I'm asexual doesn't mean I can't have a revenge fuck.
Randomize
