absolutely 100% incorrect. and i love you more you silk skinned goddess
I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
He made me a mix cd. There is obviously something wrong with him.
i had to get the starbucks manager to open the bathroom door for me...you passed out on the floor, the things i do for you
No idea how he made them, but vodka water balloons were a horrible idea.
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
somebody went from crying while watching Full House, to a full on emotional raging bull...I love this time of the month
Honestly I am too high to watch videos of you jerking off right now
I'm sitting here with a heating pad and a fan on me eating snow caps off of my boobs
I'm kind of upset that he wanted to have sex instead of watch Harry Potter. I mean it's Harry fucking potter.
uh...sober saturday NEVER has a good ring to it.
So now your dad has seen my tits. You could have told me he was coming by to help paint.
I didn't think you'd be painting the kitchen topless.
I couldn't find a shirt I was willing to ruin.
You know you're drunk when you have to be picked up out of a bathtub.
Randomize
