Did you know nanny-cams work just as well for recording that blow job on the sofa?
He told me he wanted to break up so he could get "closer to God."
Does God suck his dick?
She loves me even though she knows all Ive done. Shes kind of like jesus.
coming from the girl bound and determined to pee in the snow
why would you restrict a girl of that
We had to go to his parents last night for dinner & ended up having a quickie in the bathroom while everyone else was outside smoking.. This is why we have a successful marriage.
the guy sitting next to me at the bar has a patrick swayze tattoo hovering over a roast beef sandwich. 'merica.
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
I don't know what to say to that. All I know is my vagina is trying to jump through the phone.
Omg one side of my Labia is asleep. Has that ever happened to you?
Holy shit, add "successfully got stoned secretly at a party where a cop was" to my list of accomplishments.
He shit in the fireplace
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
its 2pm and were already starting beer pong...its gonna be a good night
Oh. My. God. I. Am. Going. To. Punch. Someone. In. The. Face. Immediately.
Listen gotta draw the line somewhere. Apparently that line is at my nuts.
Randomize
