I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
I just woke up and i'm wearing a cape and it says sup slut on my ass
I just ran into the couch, vagina first.
I hope you got dinner out of it
Tonight's Jeopardy categories were "Star Trek, Action Figures, Dinner For One, In Need of a Date, Still Living With Mom & Dad, You Have No Life." Beginning to think my life is the Truman Show.
Remember in school when they told us our vag was made just the right size for our future husband? I must say I am enjoying trying to find that perfect fit.
Using your Catholic School education as an excuse for this? Why didn't I think of that?!
Even his old football coach jokes about how big it is. I don't want to be alone in a room with him and that monster.
and i fell asleep on top of a grilled cheese sandwich. not the best decision. but not the worst.
No I'm done finals, but I'm not coming home until these hickeys are gone.
Every time I get scared about the fact that I'm falling for him I remember that he juggles and is hung like a mastadon and everything is a-ok.
I just heard my parents fuck. What. The. Fuck. My rooms right under theirs.. My dad barely even lasted a minute. Im almost ashamed..
In the ER with Chelz, I may have broken her ankle during sex. Lovely.
I REMEMBER NUGGETS BEING THERE BUT WE WERE AT A TACO BELL
It's something you'd find in the room outside of Ben Carson's sex dungeon
she just kept pointing at the cows and calling them field penguins
There's a little game I've come up with since the mess of a party I had; it's called "tinsel or condom wrapper? (or: what's that on the floor?)"
Randomize
